Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
