So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
