I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
