This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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