I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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