my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
