Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
