Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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