we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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