She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
