I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
