Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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