Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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