I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
