if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
