Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
