What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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