youre lurking in front of me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
