Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
