seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
