my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
