i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
