drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
