This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
