I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
