then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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