well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
