Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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