Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
