Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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