its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
