yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
