I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
