shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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