Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
