wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize