We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
