I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
