I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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