Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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