Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You made out with two different species that night
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
