you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Actions speak louder than pants.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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