It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
