You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize