i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
