I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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