Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
