Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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