Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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