My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
