i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
