at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
