I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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