Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
