I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
