I faked an abortion last night.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
