oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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