He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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