the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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