it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
