didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
