put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
