I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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