Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I want to fling myself into the sun
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
