Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
