Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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