No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
