Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
