Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
