There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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