she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
