and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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