I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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