Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just tell him i said nine months
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
