I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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