you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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