Your favorite bartender is back from prision
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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