Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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