it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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