When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
